reality check

My life is easy.

Like really easy.

We are all healthy, our bodies are very able, and we have access to so much healthy food. I have a husband with whom I have a happy marriage and is my best friend. I have been blessed with a beautiful little boy. We find joy and peace in our religion and God, and it gives us a strong foundation of who we are, where we are going, and what matters in this life. I have a job and we are able to receive help from student loans to have a financially secure present and future. We have bomb family and friends.

The other day, I went to a baby shower for two girls at my work. One of my co-workers informed me that I MUST bring Parker because she loves him so. Steve has been so anxious about his upcoming finals, I probably needed to take him with me anyway to keep him out of his hair. I was the only one with a baby there and didn't know everyone very well (it was a combined shower for two different girls), so it was already somewhat awkward. Thirty minutes into it (before our food even got there or gifts were opened), I have to leave because Parker is fussing and twisting and contorting his body in ways it should not be going. He's not responding to food or his book or singing or tickling or bouncing or even the googley eyes of other girls. I throw the mess of toys I've brought into my bag, apologize to the girls and head out. As we're quickly walking to the car, it hits me.

Tears start streaming down my face.

The frustration of the past couple of weeks came spewing out of me.

The few times this has happened since Parker has been born, he always softens up, calms down, and starts making high-pitched, happy noises. I think he senses it...

We had had many many hard days over the past couple of weeks, Parker and me. Steve is MIA with school and everything else, so it's most of the time me listening to this. It's obviously hard to get anything done, and I have a lot of places to go, a lot of friends to do things with, a lot of meals and dishes and showering and cleaning and laundry and phone calls and lessons and babysitting and bills to do, and basically a lot of other priorities besides Parker.

This is where I realized the err in my ways. 

This, and when a family friend from back home lost their little 2-year-old boy to cancer.

And when I read the story of the two little boys that were swept away from their mother's arms from flooding in Hurricane Sandy, then their bodies found the next day.

And all the other blogs and stories I've read and heard where people have it so much worse than I do.

And when I realized that my own parents and Heavenly Father have been frustrated with me so many times, but all I have needed each time is love, and that is what He has given me:

quiet, unwavering, charitable love.

And that is all my little guy needs.

And that is all I need to do.

That and be patient. I need to work on that...

but for now, I will ask for forgiveness from him by taking in these brief 2-minute moments where he is still and melts into me.

I think that's him telling me he loves me anyway.