to my little Parker,

I'm due to have your baby sister any day now, and while this pregnancy has been more of an emotional one than I remember yours being, this last week has been especially difficult to keep it together as I imagine losing you as my only baby. As I watch your sweet, little face while you play with your favorite car or truck or motorcycle of the moment and realize that you have no idea what's coming your way (although I think you really do....you little people are wiser than you lead on sometimes), a flood of emotion and tears overwhelms me and I wish that I could whisk you up into my arms, hold you tight, and truly make you understand how much I love your little soul.

I love walking up to your closed door in the morning, hearing you calling out "wanna big momma" (I secretly hope you never stop calling me 'big momma', even when you're a foot taller than me and outweigh me by 100 pounds), while your warm little body snuggling into mine, telling me how you "hah goo nigh sleep fun", or that your night was "so funny" and how you "wanna watch seh-me street" or "elmo" or "dora", or what you want to eat, whether it be "waffle an eggs" or "oh-meal" or "smoodie" or "toast" or "straw-buh-dies".

I love taking you with me everywhere I go as my little buddy. It's certainly not the most convenient, but I wouldn't have it any other way. Instead of battling what prized toy comes with us on our adventures, we've gotten into the habit of picking "jus one" car to bring along with us. You insist on taking my finger as we go up the stairs and out into the garage, which is quite the frightening hurdle you've overcome like a true little man. We love the dance in the car to music, anything with a beat is your favorite. Before we switched your carseat to directly behind me, I could look into the rearview mirror, catch your eye, only to receive a grin topped off with a giggle from you. As we drive, you incessantly repeat whatever is on your mind until I've acknowledged it, and we move on to the next observation you've had ("see all uh dese cars/firetruck/trees"), repeating the same process. "Where's Pah-kuh BOO!" is another favorite.

I love getting surprise attacks of little-body tackles precedented by a high-pitched "Ima getchoo...!", followed by a tickle war. You're most ticklish up by your collarbones, and I know just how hard to tickle your little ribs to elicit the best gut-giggles from you. When you were younger, Daddy always said I was the only one that could make you gut-giggle the way you did.

You're just like me in that after naps, you're a little grumpasaurus (as Daddy likes to call us), so that's my favorite time to put on a show, set you down on the couch with your blanket while you snuggle into me, and I rest my head on your head. It's one of the only times of the day you're still  and we can just be. Daddy's trying to get your to stop your index-and-middle-finger-sucking habit while your other finger touches the corner of of your blanket, but I just don't have the heart to make you stop during those moments.

My little Parker, I want you to know that no matter how much less of myself that I have to give once your baby sister gets here, I will wish that I could give you more. Not only during the upcoming difficult months of sleepless nights and attention-demanding days that envelop newborns, but for the rest of your life. No matter what priorities you may think I have outside of you, know that my heart will always be leaning in you and your siblings' direction. Know that I wish to make each of you feel just as loved and important as the other. Know that you have brought me so much more joy and love and brightness and giggles and satisfaction than I ever could have imagined. You definitely inherited your parents' strong-willed personalities, and you definitely have your opinions and your wants and no-wants, but your generous smiles and hugs and kisses make up for it. I presumptuously think you're the cutest, brightest, most amazing kid out there, and truly feel like the luckiest big momma in the entire world. I love you, little Parker.